Empty Space to Become & the value of Futility

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to spend a day listening to Dr. Gordon Neufeld speak. WOW. I've put link up on left to his website and I would recommend buying a book or DVD. He spoke about an issue that is huge in gifted kids - how easily they are wounded and how negative behaviour is born from that wounding.

Let me hit you with a few highlights though, that relate to the kids we are working with.

Gifted kids are often are often highly praised. Not so helpful. If a child is internally motivated, praise will shut them down. Instead of praise and reinforcement and high structure, these children need "empty spaces to become".

They need:

• room for initiative, creative and originality.
• to be placed in charge of their learning whenever possible

You (parents and teachers) need to:

• provide options and solicit intentions to get them into the Driver's seat
• give interest the lead when providing information
• generate questions before providing answers
• provide opportunities for experimentation and exploration
• not preempt intrinsic motivation with praise rewards and incentives. (from his notes)

The other thing that really hit me from this presentation was Neufeld's admonition that we, as teachers and parents need to be "Agents of Futility and Angels of Comfort" at the same time.

Many gifted children will try and reason themselves out of a "No" that is a firm "no". They will engage you in unending argument or withdraw ("I didn't want that item/experience anyway"). Neufeld's point is that in order to adapt, learn from your experiences and failures, gain resourcefulness and resiliency, you need to feel a No and understand it emotionally, not understand it intellectually. You need to be brought to tears over the futility of the experience, not allowed to argue your way out of it or wear their parent down. But that futility, that "No" should not alienate the child from their parent, which is where the "angels of comfort" come in. Comforting as you say no. You don't explain the No, which takes it to that intellectual level, you just stick to it and sympathize with the child's frustration.

Neufeld points out that those tears of futility have enough toxins in them to kill a small rodent. Which is why you feel better afterwards. I find this fascinating.

The other point I took was that Gifted kids are often born sensitive. It is a huge challenge to keep their hearts soft, and attached to their parents. If that fails, you often have behavioural issues.

Attachment goes into the importance for children to be primarily attached to and dependant on "tempered" adults rather than "untempered" peers, for the protection of their own hearts.

And as always, Neufeld promotes finding islands of competence and building on the positive rather than focusing on the negative.

Just to whet your appetite....buy the book or DVD!