"Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown

I have been reading and appreciating a new-to-me author this spring, Dr. Brene Brown, who writes very powerfully about shame, vulnerability, intimacy and how to live a wholehearted life. Earlier in the year, I sent a link to her TED talk and I've just finished her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.  You may be wondering how vulnerability, shame and learning services all fit together but there are huge, huge connections.

In Learning Services the discussion often circles back not to our belief that we will eventually find something that works for our students, nor to the belief that the students will grow into the strengths and abilities they need to be successful in their lives.  No, the biggest challenge we face as an LS team - and I include teachers and parents as well as consultants in that team - is how to keep the child's sense of worthiness intact while everything comes together, or while we sort out adaptations that allow them to work around their area of challenge and lean into their areas of strength.

When a person know s/he is struggling, different - and these kids know - it is so easy to feel worth-less, or “othered," lesser-than, unacceptable, isolated and ashamed. Even the gifted students we work with, who everyone tends to think live in the (spot)light, struggle. They feel like impostors, or focus on where they fall short, in areas such as OCD, anxiety, addiction or depression. 

The parents and teacher of kids with challenges also struggle with shame around what they think they did wrong or didn’t do right. I have talked to parents who wonder if the should they have gone pesticide or plastic-free, or screen-free, or dairy- and wheat-free. They can feel ashamed that they get angry or lose patience with their children or that they some days just don't like their kids very much. They can feel badly that they can't find the time or motivation to follow through with whatever lovely program has been suggested, or feel like they are done by the end of the day and would rather spend the one half-hour of free time in their day unwinding with a book or TV show rather than prepping for working with their children the next day.  Likewise, teachers and consultants can have shame around not wanting the extra work of writing IEPs, or yet another meeting, or because they feel pulled away from being there for their own family; either choice feels like the wrong one. 

Shame's message is that we are unacceptable, not enough.  We hear that the core of our self - not our actions, what we did or have left undone - is the problem. We don't talk about our shame and it festers. We pretend that who we are on Facebook is who we really are - witty and exciting and photo-ready, all the time - and as a result feel unknown and unloved in our deepest selves.  This becomes a pain that eats at us, until we lash out or end up numbing the pain with food or video games, or exercise or busyness, mindless TV or _______ (name your poison) to "take the edge off." Brown points out that in her studies she has found that numbing the pain also numbs joy and gratitude - the good things. Our lives become flat.  The internal message that we are not good enough creates walls as we hide from ourselves and from others. Brown talks about us rejecting and "orphaning" that part of ourselves, and losing our vulnerability, the ability for others to see us as we really are, and that steals community and intimacy and wholeness.  So how do we find the courage to be seen, to speak our inner thoughts and feelings around shame? How do we find wholeheartedness?

The secret to wholeheartedness, Brown says, is restore the beliefs that shame steals. We need to believe that we are worthy of love and acceptance.

As followers of Christ, this message of worthiness is also the message we want to send to our Learning Services students, to all students, really, and to ourselves.  We can say, "You may make poor choices and do things that are embarrassing, or you may do things or make things that are not as good as you would like them to be. I will forgive you and help you learn and I will not shame you. You may struggle and may be different from other people.  We all struggle. We are all different.  But in one way, we are all the same.  You are enough. I am enough. We have nothing to prove. We are each worthy of love and acceptance. We can each love and accept each other." This belief, these words, are the gift that we can give to our students and to ourselves because they are a gift that God has given us (Romans 5). We can forgive because we are forgiven, love because we are loved, accept because we are accepted.  

I hope you get a chance to read and enjoy Daring Greatly; it is a great tool for shedding light, for digging deep and for finding courage.

Carmen

  

Other books by Brene Brown:

I Thought it Was Just Me (But It Isn’t)

The Gifts of Imperfection

Boy's Adrift

Below is a summery  Boys Adrift by author Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D..  Sax also wrote Girls on the Edge, which I still have on order from the Library, but I've read the first one and I was interested by what Sax brings out.  Much was familiar, but there were some new nuggets and since I have written the notes, I thought I would share them with you, as well as recommend the book, in case you don't have time to read the whole thing. 

Sax discusses what he calls a "growing epidemic" of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men. I was intrigued, because a number of the emails we get in Learning Services have to do with unmotivated boys - boys who will happily play video games, and are often intelligent and capable, but who, as soon as the word 'schoolwork' is mentioned, squirm and manoeuvre to get out of having to engage or perform. I wondered if Sax would have any suggestions for these boys that would apply in a homeschool context.  I've summarized his thoughts below and will leave it to you to see if any of the suggestions are specifically useful to your students or children. If you are interested, these books can be ordered from our HCOS Learning Commons!

Warm Regards, 

Carmen

*****************

Sax pulls out what he considers to be the 5 main factors that are killing motivation in boys today. note: I'm going to risk leaving things out and oversimplifying in favour of keeping things relatively short and to the point. I suggest you read the book for the scientific research and studies that back up what is written here, and the qualifiers that point out this doesn't apply to all boys and that it also might apply to some girls. 

The Overall Problem: 

Boys no longer care about achieving, being independent, getting good grades, getting a job, providing for a family or going to college. If they do go to college, (and only 42% of college students are male in 2006) most won't finish their degree. 

The First Factor:  School

Challenge:

• Schools are focusing more on "head" knowledge, rather than "experiential" knowledge in the primary years; but if everything can be Googled, it impairs a lively and passionate curiosity, that desire to discover.  
• Boys are less developmentally ready to sit still and learn at 5 than girls are. The result is that boys are quickly self-identified  as "dumb" and form a negative opinion of school. 
• Boys (unlike girls) are less motivated by pleasing adults.  They are motivated by pleasing peers, by competition, by choice/control. 
• When asked to do something they aren't interested in, boys stop paying attention, and get irritated/frustrated. They withdraw.
• Boys are not reading. They need to read, for pleasure, to learn about the world, to comprehend. Instead, they are on screens, or playing video games. Comprehension levels for boys at grade 12 are dropping as a result. 
• Boys are not influenced/motivated by self-esteem in the same way girls are.  Girls need to be encouraged, but boys need to  be spurred on, challenged. 

Suggestions: 

• Consider holding younger boys back until they are ready (ie. start them in Kindergarden at 6 rather than 5)
• Allow boys to have more experiential learning; teach them to fix a car, let them play in the woods, build a shed, garden.  
• Prefer real experiences to simulated ones: (also a way of treating and preventing ADHD).
• Ask boys questions more about what they would "do" than how they would "feel".  (Has to do with how brain is wired).
• Some boys are motivated by competition. Encourage the right kind of competition. (Sports, academic teams, rather than individual competitions). Allow boys to be rough and tumble - physical - in the right setting. 
• Get the kids out into nature, direct contact.  Roll in mud, run, swim, explore the beach. Out-door "eco" schools (Waldkindergarten) are one of the fastest growing educational trends in Europe right now).

The Second Factor: Video Games

Challenge:

• Most boys are finding video games very appealing, highly motivating. Video games meet their "will to power" needs - that is, the ability to be master of their own destiny, controller of their own fate. This kind of boy will sit when you say stand and stand when you say sit. They want to be in charge.  
• Average boy playing games 13hrs/wk, compared with 5hrs/wk for girls. 
• Video games disengage boys from the real world. 
• Video games (violent) cause boys to have a more violent self image. More impacting than watching violent TV. 
• Teenage boys seem to prefer video games to girls. College boys will stay in their rooms, playing video games, rather than meeting people or attending classes, until they flunk out. 

Suggestions: 

• Monitor content.  Watch/play game with your son. If crime/death is rewarded or funny, veto it. (Ratings often don't accurately address this).
• Monitor time. ie. no more than 40 minutes on a school night or 1 hour on weekends.
• Monitor priorities: Makes sure family, faith comes first, school, friends, sports, then gaming. Don't let screen time replace valuable activities with family and friends. 
• Find alternatives: RaceLegal (legal racing), Motorcross lessons, contact sports, competitive sports, other opportunities (including academic) to truly determine their own course of action, make their own decisions. 

The Third Factor: Medications for ADHD

Challenge:

• White, affluent boys are several times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than girls or black/hispanic or low-income boys. The pressure on young boys to perform before they are developmentally ready can frame their normal behaviour as "disordered" and result in over medication with "academic steroids". (30% more boys diagnosed between 1987 and 2007)
• More difficult for clinicians to suggest lifestyle/parenting changes than diagnose a disorder; most diagnosis originate from teacher.
• Non-ADHD students, when given ADHD meds, show the same increase in performance as diagnosed ADHD students (on meds).
• Long-term (into adulthood) side-effects of ADHD medications may include: stunted growth, damage to the nucleus accumbens (bit of brain that turns motivation into action) resulting in loss of motivation. Interestingly, video games also stimulate this bit of the brain, giving the reward of accomplishing a great objective, without any of the reality. This means one can be hungry or guilty or convicted or aroused and he is less likely to do anything about it.  It has the same impact on that part of the brain as crack cocaine. 

Suggestions: 

• Change the school setting that is not working for your son. 
• Aside: Sax talks about moving to all boys schools; of course, in our collective situations, homeschooling is option we have chosen. Having said that, within your homeschooling practise, you can still consider changing up how "school" is done.  To me, if an environment/situation creates a "disorder" or a "dis-ease"  in you or your child, given the choice, it is always better to intervene and change the environment rather than medicate the person. 
• Look to see what other situations in life might mimic ADHD in your son...social factors, stress, depression, bi-polar, giftedness, sensory issues, diet, allergies/sensitivities.
• Resist trying ADHD medications with your child "to see if they work".  Get a qualified, in-depth assessment from a psychologist before putting your child on these medications.  

The Fourth Factor: Endocrine Disruptors

Challenge:

• There is a over-abundance of plastics in our environment, plastics which, when they break down, disrupt our hormones (the endocrine system); they mimic estrogens. Synthetic chemicals  seem only to mimic the female hormones. 
• Bisphenol A/phthalates found in rigid plastic bottles, as well as other sources of plastic, is leached into the food/water. These substances irreversibly disrupt brain development, specifically, memory and motivation. In animal studies, exposed males learned significantly less well, and more slowly; they were less curious. 
• For girls, there are problems with this: early puberty (commonly at age 9), leading to a whole set of concerns for them. 
• For boys, their puberty is delayed, so that they are entering puberty just as girls are ending their puberty. 
• Endocrine disruptors may cause ADHD, childhood obesity, brittle bones, learning challenges, reduction in distinction between males and females (boys more feminine, girls, more masculine), lower fertility rates in men, genital abnormalities in boys, testicular cancer.  

Suggestions:

• Don't give your child soft vinyl toys or pacifiers made from phthalates - look for products labelled PVC-free.
• Don't microwave food for your children in plastic containers. Use glass or ceramic instead.
• When using a microwave, place food in a bowl rather than on a plate...then plastic wrap can cover without touching. 
• Avoid plastic bottles for your own drinks and for your children's drinks. ** especially pregnant women
• Don't use clear plastic baby bottles. 
• Don't allow the dentist to put sealants on your children's teeth unless they are PVC-free. 
• Encourage companies to use, and then only buy, plastic that is PLA - polylatic acid, made from corn. 

The Fifth Factor: Rights of Passage

Challenge:

• In enduring cultures, men teach boys how to be men, (brave, sensitive, hardworking, gentlemen) via a separate community. This is no longer typical. There is often no way boys can become "culturally defined competent individuals" - no way to prove their worthiness, to be led to manhood. This recognizes that becoming a "real" man is not a biological fact, it is more - involving maturity, sacrifice, courage - the change from being primarily a receiver to primarily a giver/provider; the use of your strength in the service of others. 

Suggestions:

• Find (or be a) male role models for your sons...a coach or youth leader who reads in his spare time, who participates in Habitat for Humanity projects, or serves at church, provides for their families, is active in the community.  
• Find a community of men who will help guide your son into adulthood....an all male Bible-study, sports team, camps, boy scouts, all male missions trips etc.